It has been a great journey. I was away from Internet, "learning new things" without any influence. Thinking back, this year was one of the most painful years. K was right ... A lot of lost. I lost my relationship about two months ago, I lost someone I really love and care, I lost some close friends, I lost my pets and the most severe ... was losing myself, directions, thoughts and purpose in life. The past 10 months especially the the past 7 weeks was filled with misery, pain, hurt and loneliness. A lot of sacrifice were made and a lot of tears shed. But that's all in the past. All the loss have made me realize a lot of things in life. Loss ... a fresh new start. What is important, what is not, who is and how to live my life ... the way I want, the happy way... the content way ... the way things should have been ...

One things for sure, I am not going to let anyone, including myself to hurt me ... enough is enough. Some might find it cruel ... but I really do no need another stab, again ... enough is enough.

I know that when you write something here or do anything at all, there is always a cause and effect. I guess that's life. But what the heck ... when I started this blog, I wanted to my friends, people around me and readers to just know who and what I am doing in my life. But I realize after a series of events, it doesn't matter what you write ... it's people choice to choose to believe or care. It's only human. No expectation ... but that's life. At the end of the day, everyone just want the best for themselves. Selfish ... for your own good ... something I am finding hard to accept but it is the truth anyway.

During my entire life, I tried being that person where I can "spread the love", especially to people I truly care, especially friends since I never had them since high school ... I want to be that person everyone care and look up to. Friends calling me for this and that. But it never really happened. Naive eh? I admit, I was giving myself too much stress. Unecessary ones!

I guess I never really knew how to deal with people - relationship or friendship. Never knew how to deal with problems that comes with it. I rather keep everything to myself and solve it without getting friends worried, without being judge and without causing any pain. A fear I should have face long time ago. All I wanted was everyone to be happy ... and then it dawns upon you that you are not god ... you can't control everything. When I finally found that special person ... I didn't want to lose him, and I did many things to myself ... thinking it would all go away. Believing the false, being blinded and long story cut short, everything that has happened taught me something more than life.

Of course things got rocky and I started to learn to share with friends. Tell them everything, share the pain and the effect was scary. Some friends choose to distant me, some started judging me and some even hate me. You can say anything you want, but at the end ... I felt it, and it was genuine. It was hard to deal with ... lost a few, gain a few. Well, I am still positive about what happened. Like Ta Ge and Er Ge both said, now you know who you should love more and those that loved you unconditionally. Truly, it was an eye opener. Both filled with disappointments and happiness.

I guess the most important is what I have learned ... should I say still learning?

Ya ... you may already know this. But saying is so much easier than doing. Life is not just about knowing. To certain degree, it is about making room for understanding and then taking the extra effort to face and deal with it. Then how you deal with it requires you to think with your mind, heart and soul whether is it the right or wrong way to deal with it. Why? The process doesn't just involve you ... it involves people around you, family, friends and loved ones. Its not only about yourself. If you are caring ... then taking others' into consideration without judging them counts. Something I regret not doing in the past. Being responsible for what you have done and accept the fact that the consequences in life is very very cruel and I learn that the hard way ... but to be able to move on for a better direction, the right direction is something many would not choose to do.

I accept whatever that will come in the future. I went through a lot ... those who had been around me knows and I know you guys are asking me to take a break. I promise you ... I am and I will ... What's the point of saying things over and over again, asking the same questions over and over again and hurting myself over and over again ... when at the end, the uncertainty is there and you can't control it.

We never know what will happen tomorrow. Better to just do it ...

This would be my last personal-cum-heart to heart post ... I rather let others discover whatever that I am worth. I will only be posting pictures of events in my life. To come, the blated Clement's farewell pictures ... and Leo's lil birthday gathering

Ta for now and thanks for the support, if there are still any readers out there.

I spend the weekends with great companies. As usual, being me ... I tend to digest everything and reflect myself in any possible situation. A hobby I found, self improvement. I realize something new every time someone said something.

I guess "mat yeah de yao tat lei kong". Everything also can be said. It really depends on the individual. But one things for sure, life is like a circle. For everything bad, comes a good. For every love, comes a hate. For every contentment in life, comes disappointments. For every pain, comes a better day. It's not how you feel at the end of the day but it's how you deal with it.

After the whole episode of my infidelity, I realize that you owe yourself a good exploration and self learning process. If it hurts every bit to travel along the road ... it means you are still human, a respectable one. Thank you my friends for reminding me this. Some people took their whole lifetime to understand that fact. Some may not even have to go through it. Some may realize it only in their fifties. But well, everyone is different. I am glad I am going through this. Although I can't accept myself for what I have done. It's something I should always look at. My past has been really tough ... and yet, it still looks very dark. I may have to go through it alone and never expected anyone to go through it with me ... but thanks to those who are willingly to journey it with me without judging me.

At different stages of life, you learn different things. That's the truth. One thing's for certain ... I intend to keep those promises I made. It's better late than never and because it is worth every single pain and hurt

I should end this post. I am blogging it straight from what I feel and think and it may have sound utterly ridiculous.

Want to know something? It's not enough if you want to do it ... you have to think about it. Don't let it skip your mind. If you have issues ... think about it, face it and think again. I guess I haven't been doing a lot of thinking in my past. I have always been the radical person that puts feelings first. Art boy ma!

It's not wrong ... but don't ignore the brain (it tells you what is right, proper and acceptable). Flashback to Art, Embodiment unit ... I still remember the time I argue with K about how feelings are sometimes more important than thoughts. I guess, only on certain occasion ...

Well, big boy liao la! Better use more brains.

Maybe that's the reason why I am hardly asleep nowadays. I compensate what I missed last time by doing more thinking now. Thanks Karen ...

Peggy told me that eating makes you happy. I don't think so! With my eating behavior ... it's making me fat rather than happy. I mean, having extra fat is not a bad thing for me, but when I have this "tyre" on my waist and everything else is like a lamp post ... it's horrible!

AND

why the food-aka-fats only goes there? Why not my arm? or my legs? or my flat chest? ... one way or another ... it only concentrates on the stomach and all around it.

Try stuffing a huge pelampung onto a lamp post ...

Now ... that's me if I continue to believe Peggy that eating makes you feel happy. Somehow, after eating during break time at work ... I do feel better ... and jenny makes delicious deserts ...

OK!

CONCENTRATE ON THE PELAMPUNG LAMP POST ...

I slept so much yesterday, I don't think I can sleep today. Blame it on the weather ... and the fact that I didn't want to bother about filling up my time on a tuesday afternoon. Well, I will be packing my bags to gym. Body combat a lil ... then maybe work on my flat chest.

I am happy to see Jenny finally smiling today. She smiles quite often, but I miss her strong, encouraging and loud giggle. I can't remember when was the last time she did that ... I think it was the time when we bought meehoon goreng sambal with daging near my place. Trust me, that was quite some time ago!

As long as she is happy ... that's good. To the irresponsible partner ... I think you better try and proof her wrong ... that you do care. But even if you don't ... well ... your loss then. Word of advice ... Do not under estimate the power of mouth because news travel ...

To Jenny ... you will always have us to help. Just holler, I don't mind helping ... I might cause more trouble ... but hey ... what's friendship if we don't laugh a lil, cause some trouble and still manage to give each other a hug at the end of the day!

When was the last time you spend some time looking at the sky?

or sat and listen to the sound of wave hitting the beach?

or count the stars?

or said something nice to your neighbor?

or did some gardening?

or plan some adventurous activities with your close friends?

or treat your family to a proper dinner?

or visited some charity organizations?

or helped an elderly in need?

or took a stroll down a botanical garden?

or even went to the theater?


As a working-Malaysian, one is usually not entitled to such privilege lifestyle because there is no time for such minor, not important and ignorable events. I find that an excuse. An excuse that should be proven false. Prove me wrong